There are few skincare routines as iconic as the morning rituals performed by Patrick Bateman. As an investment banker, god knows where he finds all this time for all of this (although it is implied, especially in the book, that he is not very committed to his job). The rest of us can only aspire to such a dedicated and extensive system of self-care. But how does the American Psycho’s morning routine hold up to being broken down?
While I have read and can strongly recommend the original novel by Bret Easton Ellis, I will be looking at the iconic scene from the 2001 movie adaptation. Christian Bale’s Bateman may skip describing a few steps, but one cannot claim he is not embodying the character’s decadence and obsession.
“In the morning, if my face is a little puffy, I’ll put on an ice pack while doing my stomach crunches” (he can do a thousand now).
So far so good. H is correct that icing one’s face can help with inflammation and puffiness, as the cold shock helps constrict blood vessels and capillaries that would be responsible. This is especially noticeable around the eyes, where this mask is concentrated. The design of the product itself neglects his jawline, but then again, it is not as if Christian Bale needs much sculpting there.
Along with that, the coolness of the product is likely a relief during his vigorous exercise routine - not that it matters if he sweats at this point, as he still has a shower penned in for his routine before he can leave his apartment.
Catherine the Great used to start her mornings with a strong coffee and an ice cube for her face. Patrick is following some admirable examples. I approve.
“After I remove the ice pack, I use a deep poor cleanser lotion.”
Cleansing lotions are a great choice. They strip the skin less than foaming cleansers, making them especially great for those with sensitive or breakout-prone skin. Personally, I would recommend a deep cleansing oil to replace this step - the fact that he opts for a creamy option suggests he may struggle with dryness. Not surprising, given the rest of this list.
While Bateman’s skin is nothing short of flawless, his face is probably grateful for the brief respite provided by this relatively gentle product. It is not a trend that continues.
“In the shower, I use a water-activated gel cleanser.”
Being the professional he is, it is no surprise Mr. Bateman incorporates double cleansing into his routine. He has avoided harsh products so far, which may be the only reason the rest of his everyday routine does not destroy his skin.
“Then, honey almond body scrub.”
A body scrub feels wonderful. Crushed nut scrubs, however, fell hard and fast from the hype they once had. This is reasonable, given that the shells can cause microtears on your skin. However, I will grant him a pass, as they are generally safe to use on the heartier skin of your body. I am sure he smelled wonderful after this, and the added honey would have led to more supple and radiant skin.
Rest in peace Patrick Bateman - you would have loved dry brushing.
“On the face, an exfoliating gel scrub”
If I was not already, I start raising eyebrows here. Over-exfoliation is riskier on the face. It seems like Mr. Bateman is ruining his skin barrier. I have to admit, I used an exfoliator in the shower this morning (M3 Naturals Charcoal Exfoliating Body Scrub Polish, Stem Cell + Collagen Boosting) and if I did it half as regularly as Bateman did, I wonder if I would have any skin left.
“I apply an herb-mint facial mask, which I leave on for ten minutes.”
Minus points to his routine for not applying body lotion as soon as he got out of the shower. Damp skin absorbs the product better, and it would do more for his skin’s texture and elasticity than his obsession with harsh scrubs. I digress, let’s talk about the most iconic part of his morning sequence: the peel-away mask, as surface-level as the man himself.
The man says it himself - there is an idea of a Patrick Bateman, but it is a well-crafted mask that covers a lack of substance. This is a character who uses routines, self-improvement, and homicidal fantasies (are they fantasies?) to deal with the emptiness of
Psychology aside- like with the last step, there is simply no reason for this to be an everyday occurrence.
VII. “I always use an aftershave lotion with little or no alcohol.”
Storytime: I once used a foundation that literally stained parts of my face for a few days (it was probably expired, looking back - needless to say I never used it again). I was left with a flaky orange film on my cheeks and jawline for about two days. When showing this to a friend of mine, he asked simply if I’d used alcohol to try and remove it.
I asked incredulously if he had ever watched American Psycho.
Mr. Bateman is correct - alcohol has a drying effect on your skin that can make you appear older over time. Some of us grew up with the “life hack” of applying alcohol to the surface of a zit to dry it out, but this is not recommended - instead, I suggest you use a specific drying lotion/ointment, or better yet, a dab of tea tree oil.
I admit I have little experience with shaving my face beyond the occasional dermaplane, but this seems like a reasonable step in his routine.
VIII. “Then, moisturizer.”
This step is always necessary. Moisturizer fights wrinkles, acne, dryness, and makes you shit gold. Jokes aside, given the harshness of his routine, it is a relief to see he includes this. In fact, he doubles down on it later.
IX. “Then an anti-aging eye balm”
Some creams are formulated specifically for fine lines and anti-aging. Plenty argue that a good combination of serums and moisturizers will do the same job as light cream in small packaging, I cannot fault him for adding this extra step. If anti-aging is his end all be all, it is only natural our psychotic banker would invest in this product.
X. “Followed by a final moisturizing protective lotion.”
The most astounding thing to me about Patrick’s morning is that he never mentions applying SPF. There may be less sun in New York’s FiDi than what I’m used to, but there is no debate among experts that sunscreen is a necessary staple to an effective skincare routine.
After reviewing this scene a few times to write this, all I have to say is that I would kill to see what his nighttime routine looks like. After all, AM procdures tend to run less complicated than their PM counterparts, since leaving products on the skin overnight gives them more time to absorb and maximize their benefits. Besides that, most people - even early risers - do not have the time for elaborate AM routines. However, it is obvious from that alone that Mr. Bateman runs on a very privileged schedule.
I have heard the argument that at a certain point, skincare becomes more hobby than health. Even as someone who has been obsessed with their skin most of their life, I have to agree. Based on what we see from his behavior, however, I worry Mr. Bateman may be too type-A to deal with that conclusion. So let’s just nod and smile and leave our beloved American Psycho to his AM rituals.
Anyway, Patrick Bateman skincare line when?